In the meantime, while I plan the future of this site, please be sure to check out a side project of mine, over at www.obivido.com.

Sauhard of sauhard.com is a procrastinator and needs to be punished for letting this blog not be updated for so long. There’s just no excuse. What do you think should be done to him in order to ensure that this kind of thing doesn’t happen again?

Fast forward to today. It seems like DVD’s just don’t get any respect anymore. HD-DVD and Blu-Ray have been two very rowdy little children, using their better video quality to bully poor daddy DVD all the way to the graveyard. So nobody likes DVD’s anymore, and the term “DVD quality” is now a bad thing. How terribly sad.

But like Romulus and Remus, the two kids who founded Rome, Blu-Ray and HD-DVD got really bored after they murdered their dad. They started going after each other, each becoming increasingly jealous of the other. After a few years of mutual pitchfork-stabbing, it looks like Blu-Ray has come out victorious, while HD-DVD bleeds to death.

But not everybody is happy about this outcome. Regina, a 30-year-old woman from Montana, was very upset when she learned that Blu-Ray had killed HD-DVD. I invited her to the sauhard.com headquarters to find out why she felt that way. When she came in though, her acne was so bad that I almost gagged. But she whipped out a DVD from her purse and held it up, so that she could apply acne medicine to her face. Then we got down to discussing the merits of HD-DVD and Blu-Ray discs.

Sauhard: Howdy, Regina, how’s the farm doing up in Montana?
Regina: Hi Sauhard of sauhard.com. Tis doing pretty decent, I guess.
Sauhard: That’s cool. Anyway, you are really sad over the demise of the HD-DVD, aren’t you?
Regina: Yeah! Omigawd. Like what is up gwith this thing. People ain’t got no respect for the DVD anymore? And now they are killing HD-DVD too?
Sauhard: Yeah, it’s really unfortunate, isn’t it?
[Outside the window, some idiot teenager attempts to do a burnout in his stickshift Mazda, but a cop notices and is quite unhappy. Blue and red sirens start flaring.]
Regina: What in the heaven is going on outside?
[She looks outside and sees blue light.]
Regina: OH NOEZ! BLUE RAYS! I HATE THEM! I HATE THEM! AAHHHH!!!!
[She abruptly leaves and starts driving off as fast as possible. The cop quickly turns his attention towards her.]

Seriously, why do my interviews always end up like this? Oh, and Regina left her DVD and her acne medicine here. I mailed them back to her; hopefully, it should help her out when she goes to traffic court in a few days to explain why she sucks so bad at driving.

You know, I really, really love change. In fact, I have loved change in the past, I love change now, and I will continue to love change long into the future, even after I am dead. I love change because of the things that I can get with it — such as sugar gumballs, candy bars, and licorice lollipops. All of these items would make me happy. Diabetes? Not today, maybe tomorrow.

But, there’s one problem. Change isn’t the greatest thing in the world. For instance, more change is better! Logic suggests that the more change you have, the more sugar gumballs, candy bars, and licorice lollipops you can get. I even made a graph to prove my point. Check it out.

Even before the debate last night, I had long considered xeroxing change so that I could experience the upper coordinates of the above graph. But apparently, some white-wig-wearing party pooper decided some time back that xeroxing change should be illegal. As a result, I am stuck with the amount of change I have, unless I actually “work” to get more. What a bummer.

But I feel better now that Hillary Clinton said that xeroxing change is okay. You know, if the Clintons can maneuver their way out of any mess, why can’t I? I can’t wait to grab my pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters and start photocopying them en masse. Anybody have scissors?

So if you’ve been too lazy to search for red roses or blue violets for your special one, don’t freak out! We are here to help you out on this special day, with poems to cover a variety of situations.

Feel free to take these poems, print them out on nice paper, and send them to your lover to show just how much you care!

If your special one is really cool:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You’re almost as cool,
As delicious frozen drool.

If your special one is really dull:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your brain is so dead,
Even Congressmen are sharper than you.

If your special one has trouble doing it:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I really like my bed,
When it’s not slept in by you.

If your special one is a below-average driver:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
So much transplanted blood the doctor has had me fed,
For behind the wheel you knew not what to do.

If your special one makes you wish you were that executed Roman dude:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The eleventh hour would fill me not with dread,
Were I dating the noose rather than you.

If you love me and my website more than your special one:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I love sauhard.com for its street cred,
And so I’m going to cheat on you.

If I am your special one:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I’m too good for you,
I have better things to do.

So, you sent the poems to your special one? That’s great! Find somebody else to sue. Have a nice day!

Love,
The sauhard.com Management.

Sometimes, of course, rich people grumble about having to give up some of their money for what arguably is no apparent reason. After all, they earned it, right? As a result, there are really only two realistic options that a rich person has when he or she is being taxed like crazy:

1. Suck it. The world really blows.
2. Blow it. The world really sucks.

Many rich people will resignedly grumble and choose Option 1. But that’s really boring, you know. More interesting are those who go about Option 2, often in very creative ways. We here at sauhard.com managed to effectuate something pretty interesting when interviewing a millionaire named Roy and a billionaire named Roger.

Sauhard: Hey Roy! How’s life?
Roy: Hey Sauhard of sauhard.com. Life’s pretty good. Because I have more money than you. That makes me feel awesome.
[awkward silence]
Sauhard:Interesting observation, Roy. What about you, Roger? What’s chilling?
Roger: Haha, Roy, you’re such a pawn. Same with you, Sauhard of sauhard.com. I have more money than both of you! You two are so broke, it’s cracking me up! [starts laughing carnivorously]
Roy: Oh yeah?
Roger: Yeah! What you going to do, fool?
Sauhard: Folks–grow up, PLEASE!
[awkward silence]
Roy: You’re right, Sauhard. Gee, Roger. I’m sorry. Can I work for you, like, you know, as a servant or something? You can just pay me a few million a day, you know, I know it’s nothing to you.
Roger: Sure, Roy. Rub my feet and clean my house. Then you can sleep in the bathroom tonight with my girlfriend.
Roy: [with almost toolish fervor] Gee, Roger! Thanks! You are the greatest boss ever!

And so the poor millionaire named Roy came slightly closer to becoming the rich billionaire Roger, while the rich billionaire Roger came slightly closer to becoming the poor millionaire named Roy. But little did these two sad, impoverished being know that I am actually a trillionaire, despite what they might have thought about me during the interview.

My friends, trillionaires are so rare in this world that Mozilla Firefox’s spell checker doesn’t even recognize the word. But clearly, Roy and Roger must have realized this awesome tidbit about me, because as I sit here typing this entry, I can see them running back here as fast as their rich feet will carry them, with sauhard.com employment application forms in their hands.

That being said, I invited two politically active friends — Charles, a supporter of Hillary Clinton, and Brandy, a supporter of Barack Obama — to my office. We all had some wonderful, freshly brewed Folgers’ Coffee, and I started a conversation.

Sauhard: Hey folks, how’s it going? I’m your friend, Sauhard of sauhard.com.
Charles: Hi Sauhard! I can’t wait for Day One!
Brandy: CHANGE is on the way! YES WE CAN! [table shakes due to his loud voice]
Sauhard: Right. So we are here to talk about the Kennedy endorsements. Brandy, your preferred candidate, Barack Obama, has won endorsements from former President John F. Kennedy’s daughter and brother. What do you have to say about that?
Brandy: Well, first of all, I…
Charles: Ah, but guess what, Brandy. Mrs. Clinton has THREE Kennedys on her side, and you only have TWO. Last time I checked, three is 50% greater than two. Which means that Hillary will get 50% more of the vote than Obama on Super Tuesday.
Brandy: [looks defeated] Yeah, you’re right. Obama’s going to need a lot of help in order to overcome this. Sauhard, would you mind endorsing Obama for president?
Sauhard: Yeah, Brandy, sure, no problem! [I pull out a sheet of paper, write out my endorsement of Barack Obama, and sign it.]
Brandy: Gee, thanks Sauhard! You’re a great friend!
Charles: [confused] Wait… what? No fair! I was going to ask…
Sauhard: Sorry Charles! You snooze, you lose!

And it is with that that Senator Barack Obama of Illinois wins my endorsement for the 2008 U.S. presidential election. I know what you’re thinking, right? The sauhard.com team came to the conclusion that my endorsement is clearly the most significant and momentous one made thus far in this nail-bitingly tense contest. As a result, it should give Obama a huge boost in his quest.

Good luck! Oh yeah, and Season 3 of my blog officially begins today, since it has been a while since my last post.

Now, these janitors aren’t the type of janitors you are probably thinking about. When I created this company in August, I planned with the long term in mind. I asked myself, what technology we would be using in a few years? I figured I should invest in computerized, robotic janitors. By then, robotic janitors would probably be able to do everything that human janitors can do today.

Sure enough, the robotic janitors worked fine from August until about three weeks ago. As I painfully learned, they truly are capable of doing everything that human janitors can. That includes not working when they are upset. As a result, our building became too unsanitary to use without violating some health regulation or the other. No employees at work meant no new stories!

To make up for all this, I figure that the least I can do is give you a summary of what has transpired here at sauhard.com over the last three weeks.

Week 1: We decide to upgrade each robotic janitor’s computer system from Windows XP to Windows Vista, so that they had a more awesome operating environment. In particular, we were hoping that the “vista” in Windows Vista would help them see things better as they did their chores.

Week 2: Wow, we couldn’t have been more wrong. Windows Vista didn’t have the proper driver to control the drainage of each robotic janitor’s mop bucket, so every now and then, the robotic janitors would crash into a wall because their memories overflowed with soapy water.

Week 3: Each robot just completely stops working, and refuses to turn on. As it turns out, the sleep feature in Windows Vista had not been working correctly on any of the robots, because of some lame hardware incompatibility. So 21 days of this craziness made them all really sleep-deprived, and they decided to give up on their existence for a while.I have chastised my IT department for screwing us over by not properly testing Windows Vista before deploying it on each robotic janitor. We are now running Windows XP once again on all robotic janitors, which seems to have nursed them back to life. Although they don’t have a vista anymore with which to see, everything is relatively normal once again, just like before November 23.

Admittedly, I am rather upset about the lost productivity, although I don’t want to completely give up on Windows Vista as an option in the future. We’ll wait until a service pack comes out, to help each robotic janitor out with its services. But for the moment, the vista is just a distant view, and nothing more.

Because of this, MarketWatch characterizes this contest as a dead heat. That really sucks. I really don’t like dead heats, largely for two reasons.

The first reason has to do with the fact that dead heats utterly lack liveliness (since they are “dead”), and as such, it would be absolutely awful to invite them to parties.

The second reason is that dead heats are just not very cool, because they have excessive temperatures. I only like excessive temperatures when I’m checking out eligible bachelorettes.

Anyway, I am glad to see that one Iowa voter, who goes by the name of Desmond, has something to say about dead heats. Let’s have a little chat with him to learn more.

Sauhard: Hello, Desmond.
Desmond: Hi Sauhard of sauhard.com. Are you running for president too?
Sauhard: No… not yet.
Desmond: Haha… well, If I sign up for Facebook, I’ll be sure to join your group 1,000,000 Strong for sauhard.com. I’m glad to offer you my support, because you seem like you would be a good candidate.
Sauhard: Thank you, Desmond, I appreciate it! Wow, it’s hot here. Must be the dead heat that the media keeps talking about! Does the dead heat frustrate you?
Desmond: Yes, I must say it does. Like, I was taking my kids to school this morning, and we had to use the climate control in the car — and it’s November. That’s some heat. And on the way to school, we passed a funeral home. That’s some death. Dead heats are indeed a very bad combination.
Sauhard: Gee… I had the same problem here. When I was flying here in my private corporate jet to get here, we had to use the climate control in the plane. I think we might have flown over a funeral home at some point during the flight. How utterly bizarre…
Desmond: Yeah. Something needs to be done about this. [starts wiping sweat from forehead]
Sauhard: Hey Desmond, take this. [I hand him a prototype of the soon-to-be official sauhard.com handkerchief.]
Desmond: Thanks! Wow, none of the candidates have offered me handkerchiefs to help me deal with the dead heat they have created… how unkind of them…

Anybody taking a hint from this? Listen up, Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton, Barack Hussein Obama, and Johnny Reid Edwards — here’s a chance for you to win Desmond’s vote.

Each of you should create a good handkerchief so that he can live through this horrific dead heat that all your crazy campaigning has created. Desmond will vote for whichever one of you makes the best handkerchief for him. Start stitching.

Politicians and “analysts” will have their typical reactions to stories that involve cloning; some of them saying “What the bloody earth, this is such an outrage and undermines the very concepts that constitute life”, and others saying “Oh goody, this is probably a good thing, and shows why science education is so important and merits a tax increase.”

To either stereotypical reaction, I have nothing to offer except a long and inflated yawn. Politicians don’t do the actual cloning; rather, it is the cloners who do the cloning. Since cloners can be more interesting than politicians, let’s talk to one of them instead.

So what will be cloned next? Humans? Laptop computers? Cars? Maybe food? Yeah, maybe food.

Meet Sigmund. He is a cook at a franchise Mexican fast food restaurant in the frontier village of Boston, Massachusetts. He wishes to become a cloner, so he is quite fascinated by the concept of cloning. So, accordingly, I am quite fascinated to have an opportunity to interview him about his fascination about this fascinating topic.

Sauhard: Good morning, Sigmund. Thanks allowing a sauhard.com team member like myself to interview you. Can I have a taco? [I hand him $1.15 as payment]
Sigmund: Soon, Sauhard, but hopefully even sooner at some point in the near future.
Sauhard: That was quite cryptic. What do you mean?
Sigmund: Well, you see, tacos can take a long time to make. You know, they teach in pre-school that it takes 9 months for a new person to be, right? Well, similarly, it takes 9 seconds for a taco to be made.
Sauhard: But I believe a second is significantly shorter than a month, by several orders of magnitude.
Sigmund: Ah, my friend. But you know, that doesn’t mean there isn’t room for improvement! You see, we all know that 9 is a pretty large number. So if it takes 9 anything to make something, that’s too long and should be improved, to make it in 8 of that thing or less. I’ve figured out a way to make tacos more quickly.
Sauhard: Really? What might this way be?
Sigmund: Well, it’s really easy. So I have this sheet of paper, that has ingredients and instructions on how to make a taco. It’s like a recipe or something, you know. So I figured, instead of rewriting the recipe each time, I’ll just post it on the wall and use it to make each taco. So instead of making 1 taco from 1 recipe, I could make like 100 tacos from 1 recipe! Think about how much time that would save!
[painful, awkward silence]
Sauhard: [making very little effort to veil my annoyance] SIGMUND. The nine seconds to which you referred have elapsed. Give me my darned taco already, lest I should think that your cloning strategy actually slows the process down.

No, I don’t believe I was being rude, since I had already paid for my food, and it took longer than the promised nine seconds for the taco to be made. As a customer, I have rights, and I demand that those rights be respected.

Of course, the taco itself was quite delicious, despite the unfortunate longer-than-nine-second delay. I made sure to congratulate Sigmund on his discovery that he could make tacos more efficiently if he didn’t rewrite the recipe after making each taco. I also told him to submit his ideas to the big corporation that owns his restaurant.

While the “big guys” up the corporate ladder have yet to get back to him, Sigmund remains optimistic. He doesn’t seem like the type that would give up that easily, and I applaud his perseverance.

Anyway, while reading the news over a cup of chilled guava juice this morning, I was stunned to learn that Adobe plans to revamp Photoshop’s interface to make it easier to use. Well, kudos to Adobe! Simplicity is a good thing. Or so they say.

But when something becomes easier to use, lo and behold, guess what happens? It also becomes easier to misuse. So naturally, there must some people with out there with less-than-noble intentions, who must be absolutely thrilled to hear about this announcement from Adobe.

So members of the sauhard.com team tracked down Stacey, a girl who broke up with her boyfriend yesterday after a bitter argument. She agreed to talk to us about what she plans to do in the near future. Her plans do indeed involve Photoshop. I might warn you, they are not particularly pretty. Reader discretion is advised.

Sauhard: Hello Stacey. Hope you’re feeling alright. Have a coffee.
Stacey: Thanks, Sauhard of sauhard.com.
[she takes coffee and starts sipping on it]
Sauhard: So, what is your ex-boyfriend’s name?
Stacey: His name is Moron.
[awkward silence]
Sauhard: Interesting. Anyway, I hope you don’t mind me asking this, but what did Moron do that ticked you off?
Stacey: [grins maliciously] Well, he was acting like a moron. So guess what I’m going to do? I’m going to use Photoshop to destroy his life. DUH.
Sauhard: I see. So Adobe is going to make Photoshop easier to use, as you might have heard. So let me ask you this — does it bother you that a simplified Photoshop, with a lower learning curve, might make it easier for a moron like Moron to retaliate against you?
Stacey: No. That would actually make things more interesting. If it becomes moron-friendly enough that even a stupid moron like Moron can use it, then I have some competition. I love competition, because I’m a like a really competitive person.

So although I never really learned what their argument was about, somehow I get the feeling that that Stacey still has feelings for Moron. If she didn’t care, then why would she be so willing to do something silly like competing with a moron? I mean, really, who does that?

Perhaps the mere fact that Stacey is willing to engage in such an awkward fight signals something quite revealing about her own intelligence level. She and Moron are clearly meant for each other, but she just doesn’t realize that yet. A simplified Photoshop might just be the perfect tool to help Stacey and Moron to get back together once again. Let’s wish them good luck.