It’s morning on an inconspicuous weekday. Everything sucks miserably, to high hell, as it usually does. Last night, before you went to bed, you set your alarm to 7:07 am. Why did you do that? Because you are one of the believers in the lucky power of the number 7. You thought that waking up at such a time would be auspicious; that somehow, successfully waking up at that time would guarantee today to be the best day of your life.
Hilarious. Why should today be the special day, superior to all the others? You were so silly for actually believing this in this myth. 7:07 am rolls around. You are passed out like a log. Your alarm plays a sound that is way too mellow and sweet-sounding to serve any actually useful purpose. To the contrary, it actually lulls you into an even deeper slumber. Subconsciously, your arm reaches out, without spurring you to consciousness, and hits the snooze button without requiring the use of your eyes. This is an act you have done so many times that it’s deeply ingrained into your muscle memory.
Now it’s 7:16 am. Repeat. Now it’s 7:25 am. Repeat. With each cycle, your brain begins taking a gradually more active role in these cycles, making nonsensical justifications for the continued use of the snooze button. Oh, I have a 15 minute commute and don’t have to be at work until 9 am. So I’ll keep hitting the snooze button til 8:45 am. Taking a shower and getting dressed only take 0 minutes. And then of course, you miss that idiotic self-imposed ultimatum too, because why not. So you get to work late.
And of course, it seems like nobody else in the world that you know struggles the struggle.
Why did this happen?
It’s quite simple, really. You are actually right about your observation that you are the only person in the world that has this problem. Actually, everything is your fault. But it’s okay, there is still a possibility of becoming awesome like everybody else. Here is what you really need to do:
1. Stop using unnatural human-made alarms. If you need to use a cute little alarm clock to wake up, that’s completely unnatural. Do you think your long-distant cavemen ancestors did that? I don’t think they did. They would have been eaten by lions if they were snoozing like you, and therefore you wouldn’t exist today. Rather, they woke up successfully on the first try, each day, every day. To do so, they used an actual, real live rooster or some other animal with a similar effect. You should try to be more like your ancestors, because they were hardcore. Buy a rooster. It will make more realistic and natural-sounding noises than your alarm clock could ever dream of making. Additionally, it will relieve itself on your floor at some point towards the natural end of the night. The olfactory stimulation from that, coupled with your eardrums fearing for their lives, will be a super-effective double whammy like one you’ve never experienced before. You won’t dare snooze again, because that literally won’t be an option anymore. This is how great roosters are. You can buy roosters online, or you can buy them from your local farmer. I actually recommend becoming friends with your local farmer. You can get discounts on food if you become friends with them, which is an awesome bonus.
2. Throw away every single light bulb in your house. Like modern-day alarm clocks, light bulbs are also completely unnatural, and keep you up late at night by stimulating your brain, delaying the onset of sleep. You can blame Thomas Edison for this. He was a real troublemaker. How do you solve this? Roll back the times. Let’s talk about your ancestors again, for a second. They all used the natural rise and fall of the sun to fall asleep. Before light bulbs existed, it was so obvious when to go to sleep, and when to wake up. Sun goes down, you go down. Sun goes up, you go up. If you throw away every light bulb in your house, you will have no choice but to live by this awesome mantra. Your rooster will thank you too, because it will be able to mark the sunrise more accurately without the disturbance of artificial light. A lack of light may make it a little bit harder for you to clean up its waste products though, if they are generated during nighttime. But this is an acceptable side effect considering how awesome your sleep will be.
3. Switch from high-speed Internet to a 56k dial-up modem. Your Internet is also keeping you up late at night. The wireless is wiring your brain. You spend way too much time reading Reddit, watch too many stupid videos on YouTube (and other websites you don’t want to talk about), and read too many worthless news articles. However, despite the self-destructive ways you use it, the Internet is actually awesome, unlike light bulbs. But it’s like a drug, so you should use it sparingly. Your ancestors didn’t have Internet at all, and they did just fine. You should use your Internet the bare minimum possible. Pretty much you just need this website. A 56k modem should be just fine for such a purpose — it will force you to use the Internet to the bare minimum possible. In fact, it will be so excruciatingly slow that you won’t even want to use it. But you’ll still be able to get awesome advice from my website, which will load just fine on 56k, while simultaneously being able to pass out earlier. And your rooster never needed the fast Internet anyway, as there are no dating websites for roosters. Everybody wins.
I could propose additional ways to help you out — like drinking less coffee, drinking less alcohol, and avoiding sugary food before bed — but let’s be honest, you love those things and nobody can ever take those away from you, not even yourself. Removing your addiction to those things requires biological changes in your body, and even if you do succeed, life will be more boring without them. So try my tips instead. My tips are all easy, and you can successfully do them all today, to wake up nicely every morning. I wish you the best of luck.